The Tit-for-Tat Mentality

Part Two

Let’s explore the psychology underlying the difficulty of personal responsibility for alcoholics and addicts.

Most alcoholics and addicts have developed extensive psychological mechanisms to avoid and deflect taking personal responsibility. One tried-and-true approach is the tit-for-tat mentality. The tit-for-tat mentality is typical with couples in the early stages of recovery. The addict’s role in this destructive pattern of communication is to justify all of his or her behavior, blaming the rotten behavior on the spouse. “I wouldn’t act this way if you hadn’t provoked me!” becomes the battle cry for the addict in all kinds of situations, regardless of his or her culpability.

The tit-for-tat mentality is designed to rationalize and justify our behavior so we can falsely conclude that we don’t have any personal responsibility in the present situation. Here are some of the more common tit-for-tat maneuvers:

• “If you wouldn’t criticize me, I wouldn’t drink.”
• “Nothing I do for you is ever enough! That’s why I get so angry.”
• “You keep this home such a mess. I can’t stand being around anymore. That’s why I stay out late at night.”
• “If you would show more interest in what I do, I would want to be around you more.”
• “If you wanted to have sex more frequently, I would be much happier.”
• “If you appreciated what I do for you, our relationship would be much better.”
• “If you would only cherish me, then I wouldn’t feel so jealous around other women.”

The list can go on and on, and it usually does. Unfortunately, couples who are trapped in this loop have a difficult time breaking free because there is usually a kernel of truth in the other person’s complaint. We are influenced and affected by our partner’s behavior. This doesn’t mean, however, that we can justify our behavior because of our partner’s behavior, especially if we want a better relationship.

The tit-for-tat mentality indicates that we are suffering from emotional dependency—this is the kernel of truth. We end up being highly reactive to our partner because he or she is too important to us. We depend on our partner’s approval, validation, and behavior for our security, prestige, self-esteem, and happiness. The degree to which we are caught in this deadly game reflects our level of emotional maturity. So when we find ourselves justifying our behavior because of what our partner is or isn’t doing, then we are playing titfor- tat. This mentality won’t lead to a solution, no matter how hard we try to convince our partner that he or she is the problem.